thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
