I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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