Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
