Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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