If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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