I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You made out with two different species that night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
