Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
