apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
