i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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