Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize