Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
