Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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