Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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