this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
