awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize