I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The best revenge is premature balding
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
