You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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