Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize