So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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