I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
