I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I smell like Dick and happiness
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