you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
