I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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