Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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