if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
porn star boner night. come get it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize