u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
