If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
