You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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