It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
