i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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