Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
