i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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