But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
