A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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