I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
