Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize