I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
