Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
