sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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