how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
