Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
