Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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