You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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