Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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