i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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