the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
