wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize