Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
