remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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