I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
