I think i peed on brittanys purse
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
