i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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