I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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