we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
