Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
