the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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