Umm I'm too high to move.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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