I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
