Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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