He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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