I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I supernannyed him into submission
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
